According to Anna Glendenning of the Adoptive Parents Network, the stages of adoption have certain developmental milestones, however most people don’t understand what these milestones are and sometimes expectations are too high for an adopted child. Below is a list of some of the stages of adoption developmental milestones and how they relate to an adopted child’s unique concept of self:

Birth through the Toddler Years

• Normal Life Issues:  Basic trust, attachment to primary caretaker.
• Adoptee issues:  Basic trust, attachment despite primary losses.
• Positive Parenting Responses:  Provide high levels of nurturing, consistency and security.

Pre-School Years (Ages 2 ½ to 5)

• Normal Life Issues: Developing Independence, and competence in the family.
• Adoptee issues: Questioning age, “Why was I adopted?” and “Where did I come from?”
• Positive Parenting Responses:  Provide truthful answers and have an open attitude with your child about the truth.

Early Grade School Age (Ages 6-10)

• Normal Life Issues: Begin to see themselves as a part of a peer group. Mastering skills and feeling competent.
• Adoptee issues: Questioning of the primary loss, an overall sense of being different some child her have issues over the primary rejection.
• Positive Parenting Responses: Parents provide information and help children deal with feelings of rejections.
• Development of open lines of communication is vital at this age.

Pre-Adolescence (Ages 8-12)

• Normal Life Issues: Bodies chance and peer relationships become very important.
• Adoptee issues: Adopted children often have questions about their birth family at this age and wonder about how they may appear or have similar talents as their birth family.
• Positive Parenting Responses:  This is one of the most important times for parents to share any information or pictures of the birth family with their child.  Answer any questions with concrete information. This is the age where grieving and self-esteem issues are most difficult for adopted children.

Early Adolescence (Ages 12-15)

• Normal Life Issues: Children tend to focus on peer groups more then family. This is when children typically develop their sexual identity.
• Adoptee issues: Adopted children may want to learn as much as possible about their birth family during this period. Many adopted children engage in a great deal of abstract thinking during their early adolescence.
• Positive Parenting Responses: Parents can best support their children by giving expressed permission to the child to think about their birth family.

Later Adolescence: (Ages 16-21)

• Normal Life Issues: Children are developing their own identity and planning for their futures. During this age, peers are much more important then family.
• Adoptee issues: This is the age where critical thinking becomes more developed and adopted children may consider search and reunion with their birth family.
• Positive Parenting Responses: Even if it is difficult this is the time when adoptive parents need to be supportive and help the adopted child find information to assist in their search.

Developing healthy attachment behavior

• Parent must be attuned to their child’s needs in order to create and develop healthy attachment
• Create joy, elation, interest, and excitement together with your child
• Parents should maximize opportunity for positive emotions and minimize opportunity for negative emotions
• Reciprocal behaviors between child and adult
• Respectful eye contact, body language
• Respectful verbal language
• Calming, soothing, nurturing responses
• Physical proximity and touching while respecting boundaries
• Careful, deliberate listening
• Accepting limits – boundaries
• Interventions for consideration
• Attachment Parenting

Interventions

Attachment Parenting
Attachment Parenting International publishes educational and research articles related to attachment parenting. In their Eight principles of attachment parenting, they offer a guide for areas that are key to the optimal development of children.

Eight principles of attachment parenting

• Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting
• Feed with Love and Respect
• Respond with Sensitivity
• Use Nurturing Touch
• Engage in Nighttime Parenting
• Provide Consistent Loving Care
• Practice Positive Discipline
• Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

Support Groups
Attachment Parenting International is a resource for parents wanting to connect with other parents around attachment parenting techniques and ideas and support during difficult times for parents and child(ren),

Family Therapy
Family therapists are able to explore the connections between what happened in past generations and what is happening now in the family. Family therapists can help to determine if what happened in the past is happening now and whether or not that is helpful in moving forward towards healthy family relationships.

Understanding how an adoptive child’s development differs from that of a biological child’s is key in understanding any cognitive and/or emotional issues that may arise.   Temper expectations while arming yourself with the information needed to help process difficult questions around identity that may come up.  Review the above-mentioned interventions and see which ones you you might pursue.  As always, we are here to help and answer any questions you may have about attachment parenting and adopted children.